I am an author. Did I say that right? I am an author. Hard to believe. Every year I participate in Nanowrimo and write a story. I have written three novels that are all in various drafts. I did that. I am an author. It’s hard to believe that I wrote them. I look at my drafts and smile, reminding myself that it’s achievable. I have to remind myself because there are times when I believe I suck and that I could not possibly be an author. When I sit to write a new story I am amazed that I can not get the first sentence out. When I sit to write a new story I am frustrated that writer’s block has pushed me in a corner. Then I look at the drafts of novels I have written and remind myself that I am an author. I get back on my keyboard and try again.
I think I can. I think I can…..write.
To get somewhere, you have to start somewhere. Never give up. Be an author.
Being sick is a bitch. But when it’s mental sick it’s far worse. I ran out of meds. Yes, I know I could have prevented that but sometimes my mind gets so stressed that it just goes to la la land. Pretty soon I am off routine and I’ve forgotten to medicate, eat, get out of bed and bathe. That’s when I know the depression got a good hold on me and I am deep in the pit. It’s dark, cold and sad. And I was breathing it. I wonder what would have happened to me if I lived alone. It’s a scary thought. A more disturbing thought is that I am the type of person who can not function without medication. I hate that I need it. My wife pulled me out of the deep end. She did it by snapping at me. She was frustrated and pissed because it happened and was unnecessary. I agreed. I was so tired and frustrated at myself that I was ready for help. Especially when my son told me that he missed me and wanted to spend time together. For the last two days I have heard people say, “Take care of yourself.” You can get so caught up taking care of everyone else and everything else that you forget yourself. I haven’t been able to write. I have so many ideas that I am ripping at the seams. Writing this blog is the first thing I’ve written in a while. It feels good. I’m ready to get back to work. I’m ready to feel alive.
I am an information whore. I love learning. So, I am finally going to teach myself how to code. I can not believe I don’t already know how to code. What took me so long? I am using Codecademy for starters to get my feet wet. It’s pretty easy so far. I’m looking forward to learning how to program games and websites.
Thanks for reading. I look forward to interacting with you. Of course, please take care of yourself.
Stardate 11222012 (lol)
I am typing and I do not feel like it. I told myself that I would write more. Or better yet, every day. I’m doing it now so I should go easy on myself. I have been looking for a journal online and could not decide if I wanted to have one that was online only or portable or also downloadable on my laptop. Well, I now have Evernote. It has all the functions I need. Oh damn. I am listening to Kenny Dope “The Bomb. These Sounds Falling Through My Mind.” Can you believe it is a 15 minute song? That is crazy, but guess what? I am going to listen to the whole thing. Anyway, back to my journal search. I have Evernote for over a year and figured hey why not just use that. So I did and I am. I can post links, work on my phone, and it has great voice recognition when I have those days where I just have to speak it out and speak it loud.
I’m going to the mountains this weekend after seeing my side of the family. I just want to eat their food and come home. I’m just being honest. They have the best food in the world. Thanksgiving with soul.
I need to cut my nails so I can paint them black.
This song is really 15 minutes long. It is still going. Who would need a song that is 15 minutes long? It is so long, I don’t know when it would be appropriate to end. When would it stop? I don’t know if I can listen to the rest of this song. Now it just sounds predatory and imposing.
Why isn’t “Predatorial” a word in the freaking dictionary! I petition (not) “Predatorial” be added immediately.
I had coke this morning for breakfast. My wife did not make coffee. That made me angry.
I like how on Star Trek: The Next Generation or actually this happens in all of them, when Picard goes “Star Date blah, blah, blah.” He doesn’t actually say “blah, blah, blah”, by the way do you know how hard it is to type “blah, blah, blah” fast? Anyhow, I always thought about starting my entries like that. Why? Because it’s chic. To me it is. If it gets old then you will have to resume to checking your own calendars to figure out what date it is.
I only took half my meds today. I’ll do better tomorrow.
When cuddling with my wife one arm is never free enough so I have to learn how to type one handedly. Now how is “handedly” a word and not “predatorial”? This type of shit pissses me off.
Okay boys and girls it is time for Nanowrimo and I am ready to write. It is Halloween night, the candy has been giving out I’m on my second beer. I’m eating grapes and I hope my headache don’t come back. Did I do outline? Not really. I did do an assload of scenes. I’m very happy about that because at least I know what’s going on for my story. least I got somewhere to start for my story. Now the question is am I going to start writing tonight at midnight or will I wait until tomorrow to write it. It depends on how drunk I get and if I pass out or how drunk I get and if I can write. I don’t know. We’ll see but I do want to wish everyone a Happy Halloween. Eat lots of candy and have a sugar fix. Enjoy yourself take care.
Nanowrimo is literally around the corner and I am stoked.
So stocked that I am having brain explosions. I’m like a boneless puppet getting her strings violently jerked around. Am I excited or is my anxiety heighten thus causing my Tourette’s to go crazy??? I say Yes to both! How am I dealing? How the fuck should I know. I can’t focus long enough to figure it out. Everyone in my head has an idea and they all want their turn to scream in the microphone. I was lucid enough to go to the store today and buy a couple of items for my NaNoWrimo Prep. I picked up a pack of pens, cue cards, post its, paperclips and Scotch tape. Why tape? I don’t know. It felt like a good idea at the time. Someone in my head wanted it so they got. When I use it I’ll let you know why.
I’ve been working on my outline all day. It hurt. It was painstakingly tedious but necessary. It will help me focus when it is time to write. This shit better work.